Through disbelieving eyes, she shared she never imagined that she would be pushing her 40-something husband in a wheelchair. His back was unforgiving, delivering consistent pain and no hope of relief. The physical pain reflected the chasm of emotional distance and frustration rooting in his heart. As I listened, I began to notice all the little things that we take for granted and the abundant blessings that surround us. Warm double-headed showers, the chocolate-colored couch with the consistent imprint of my husband’s body nested in the corner, smiles and laughter from my early morning Jazzercise class, burn-your-face-off chicken noodle soup, conversations with friends. A limitless list, I brought my attention back to the present moment. My friend was pained and continued to share the growing limitations and absences facing her and her husband. Curious, I asked, “What do you miss most about your husband right now?” Without hesitation, she responded, “Hugging him…standing up…feeling his embrace…”
That conversation happened on Monday, December 31, 2018. Hours later the resolutions were articulated, intentions set, and 2019 commenced. I learned this morning that today, January 17, 2019, is D-Day for resolutions. Based on fitness resolutions data, Thursdays are the most likely day that people abandon their personal wellness resolutions. When I heard this, I thought it was time to share an intention I set this year. I do not believe in resolving to do anything. Much of my life is about eliminating the do and moving to be. As such, I choose to set intentions rather than resolutions. Here’s some context:
I’ve reflected on my one word every year since 2006. One word is a concept popularized by Jon Gordon and is designed to center us. Our One Word guides our priorities, actions, relationships, and interactions. It can convict us when we are off-kilter with our core values and re-calibrate our efforts with our life’s purpose. With prayer and solitude, I have found that the word needs to be an action. It can’t be a noun like abundance or an adjective such as full. It needs to be something observable, something actionable. The years I have grown the most were filled with verbs; therefore, committing to the “right” word each year is paramount. I considered, pondered. What will be my rudder for 2019? What will be the word that establishes the railroad tracks that are laid each of the next 365 days? Pause? Breathe? Notice? These did not quite fit my vision for 2019, nor the personal growth enveloped in my reflections and conversations with others. That’s when I was drawn back to a cluster of three cushioned leather chairs in the back of GreenBeans Coffee with my back leaning into the comfort of friendship. Embrace. My friend missed it from her husband. I avoid it, often demonstrating survival responses to what are seemingly mundane moments to those around me. I escape embrace when it is what I need most. 2019 is to embrace.
Embrace. With great risk, I choose to embrace my whole life and whole being. I choose to embrace the messes. Healing from chronic trauma and discovering the unnamed histories that trigger my survival response require that I embrace the pain. The process requires that I exercise my 2015 word–vulnerability–because that is where healing and belonging reside. I have an incredible support system around me which includes very close friends who have endured more stories (with and without pictures!) and tears than I can enumerate. Along with embracing the ambiguous, beautiful messes that are part of life, I also choose to embrace the joy that exists in ordinary moments. Take for instance when my bonus daughter, Maggie, packed away the Christmas tree and chose to help with dishes while telling me about her day. Accepting, not avoiding, the embrace from a sweaty friend after an exercise class or embracing the truth that my consistency as a parent is a blessing, not an indicator of being “boring,” will serve as evidences of my one word. The tenor of my year will be to unconditionally embrace the path that is provided each day. Even when I am scared, even when I want to escape, I will embrace.
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